THE MINISTRY OF STEAMPUNK
​Introduction
Veterans of Weekend at the Asylum will know that for many of us, panic starts to set in as the event draws closer. Will I be ready in time? Will I get my outfit finished in time? Will the glue dry? Where did I hide my fabric scissors to stop anyone else using them? Will the stuff I ordered get delivered before it is too late?
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Recognising the stress that such thoughts can bring, some years ago the Ministry of Steampunk decided that the way forwards would be to appoint an official Asylum Chief Panic Officer who would be able to do all the panicking for the rest of us, leaving us to enjoy the anticipation of this fabulous event without worry.
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The current Chief Panic Officer
And so it was that by a long-forgotten process, Jared Foley became appointed the first Chief Panic Officer. ​Jared has put a substantial amount of effort into the role and one cannot doubt his enthusiasm or his dedication.
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He has not only been the first holder of this esteemed position but he has also been the best Chief Panic Officer the Ministry has ever had.
Is it time to start panicking yet?​
We are most grateful to Jared for his early intervention for AXV. The event is going to be the biggest since the pandemic and this raises all sorts of new panic opportunitities for veterans and newcomers alike. We are therefore very pleased to be able to share the following incoming mesage, from Jared, the Chief Panic Officer (official) mere minutes after they arrived at Asylum HQ and far in advance of our own efforts to work out what he is saying.
AXV - Message One
Received 12/07/2025 21:46 British Summer Time
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Incoming message from the Chief Panic Officer. Message plucked from a midair airship collision by a reckless aeronaut with fantastic hair.
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+++ OVER ONE MONTH TILL THE FESTIVAL BEGINS. LARGE SCALE CRAFTING PROJECTS SHOULD HAVE A CLEAR END DATE. SMALL SCALE PROJECTS SHOULD BE STARTED AND COMPLETED PROMPTLY SO AS NOT TO CAUSE… PANI-... EQUILIBRIUM DISRUPTION.
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REMEMBER, AN UNPANI-... TOTALLY CALM STEAMPUNK IS A HAPPY STEAMPUNK.+++
AXV - Message Two
Received 14/07/2025 21:21 Central European Time
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Message retrieved from 40,000 leagues under the sea. It had more than a salty tang - like it had been kissed by the deep blue ocean currents and tickled mercilessly by an ardent squid.
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+++ IF YOU ARE NOT SILLY, IT IS VITAL YOU BECOME SILLY. IF YOU ARE SILLY, YOU MUST STAY SILLY. IF YOU USED TO BE SILLY BUT HAVE STOPPED, YOU MUST MAKE ALL EFFORTS TO RETURN TO SILLINESS. THE ASYLUM WELCOMES SILLINESS - INDEED, IS MADE POSSIBLE ONLY BY THE MOST SERIOUS, STUDIED SILLINESS.
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I HAVE ENTRUSTED THIS MISSIVE TO A PASSING SUBMARINER. WHO WAS THIS PHLEGMATIC CAPTAIN? NO ONE I CAN NAME.+++
A new correspondent??​
The Chief Panic Officer has loomed large and largely unchecked for a long time now and whilst he has no doubt been well-meaning in every conceivable and indeed inconceivable way, we have received word that for AXV another correspondent has thrown her hat in the bubbling cauldron of pre-asylum emotions and without further ado I therefore bring you the first incoming message from our new correspondent, JOY!
STARTS
“Wowzers peeps this is amazing! Those fairytale characters look incredible and I love the – hang on a minute is that an enormous dragon in the background? Can I get a PG tips with semi-skimmed and two...sorry, sorry I think I just saw a pigeon…I just wanted to say I’ve nearly finished my first outfit, but it doesn’t matter if it’s finished or not because it’s all going to be brilliant anyway and now I want to have wings and horns and this is all mental in the nicest possible way and I want to drink tea with SPG and ooh look cake and I can’t wait!”
ENDS
It's happened again!​
Like number 9 buses, you wait for a message from your correspondent and the 2 come in at once.
First, the Chief Panic Office
AXV - Message Three
Incoming message from the Chief Panic Officer. Message found in a pile of ashes within an impact crater shaped like the outline of a hot air balloon.
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+++JUST UNDER THREE WEEKS TO GO. THAT MEANS WILDLY AMBITIOUS PROJECTS SHOULD ONLY BE TAKEN ON BY THE MOST FOOLHARDY CRAFTERS. ATTENDEES SHOULD CONSIDER THE VALUE OF LISTS AND CHAMOMILE TEA. DEFINITELY NOT CAMOFLAGE TEA - THAT’S HARD TO GET HOLD OF.A SENSE OF MILD EXCITEMENT MAY PERHAPS BE PERMITTED AMONG THE MORE GIDDY OF US. AND IF ANYONE CAN TELL ME WHERE MY PAL PHINEAS HAS GOT TO, THAT’D BE GRAND, THANK YOU.CARRY ON!+++
And from JOY...
JOY: Wowzers let’s paint! I want to stamp all the stamps and paint all the paintings and make all the crafts and sing all the songs and join in all the races and all the competitions and listen to all the talks and buy all the merch and….
ENNUI: Really? Get a grip. There’s too much. Chill. Breathe.
JOY: OK let’s have a cup of tea and then - hang on a minute this is all fabulous and I’m so excited and ooh look, a pigeon…………
Oblivious to the T-Shirt situation, the CPO has forwearded the following words of comfort...
AXV - Message Four
Incoming message from the Chief Panic Officer. Message found on the cobblestones outside Baker Street underground railway station.
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+++WE ARE BUT A MATTER OF DAYS FROM THE ASYLUM FESTIVAL. THAT SENSE OF BUTTERFLIES IN MANY A STOMACH IS PROBABLY JUST THE RESULTS OF TOO MUCH RHUBARB FOOL, WITH A DASH OF EXCITEMENT IN FOR GOOD MEASURE. BUT ONLY A DASH - STIFF UPPER LIP AND ALL THAT.
I’M SURE EVERYONE READING THIS HAS A 14-POINT CHECKLIST READY, COVERING THEIR TRAVEL, PACKING, PET CARE, AND PERSONAL GROOMING FOR THE COMING DAYS. STICK TO IT, CLEAVE TO IT, CLING TO IT. IN ROUTINE LIES SANITY. ALL SANITY, NO PANICKY, AS I ALWAYS SAY.
AS A DEAR FRIEND ONCE KIND OF TOLD ME - KEEP A METHOD TO YOUR MADNESS, MR OFFICER - THE GAME IS AFOOT!+++
Luckily JOY has her ear to the ground and is on the case...
ANXIETY: I just knew something like this would happen!
JOY: But look! They’re back in stock! I’m going to order one right now.
ENNUI: I bet they will have run out of my size…
We hope that the above messages give you some comfort and will naturally share any future incoming reassurances from the Chief Panic Officer as soon as they pass quarantine.
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Stay splendid.
SHOULD YOU BE PANICKING?
Weekend at the Asylum XV
